Forgetting Myself In Your Arms
by pandorabox82
Summary: Serena finds that being strong can only work for so long when staring into an empty future. Until a familiar face shows up in her home, that is...


Serena rubbed her hand tiredly across her eyes as she tried to ignore the headache pounding at her temples. It had been a long day on the ward, made worse by the fact that she couldn't think about anything other than the fact that Cameron hadn't failed to bring up Bernie in casual conversation yet again. And as much as her thirsty heart drank up every word he spoke of her, the aftertaste left a bitter residue in her mind. After all, it was just another reminder that she had failed so mightily. A few unwelcome tears rolled down her face as she lifted her head to glance through her emails one last time before she headed home for the evening. There was nothing important there, and her heart lurched painfully as she wished that a message from Bernie would appear. Even just to read three lines from her about how her day had been would be better than this hell of not knowing anything, inferring everything, was.

Letting out a long sigh, she swiped her hand against her eyes, shook her head, and pushed away from the desk, getting to her feet and weaving a little before making her way over to the coatrack. It almost seemed to take too much energy to put her jacket, and she let her shoulders slump as she slung her bag over her shoulder and made her way out onto the ward. At least she didn't have to worry about Cam being underfoot all the time, not since he had been moved up to Darwin. Jac Naylor could deal with him and all the baggage he brought. Again, she shook her head, trying to clear out the unkind thoughts. Still, the fact that he was Bernie's son set her mind galloping off down trails that she no longer had any reason to tread, and she supposed that was why she was allowing uncharitable thoughts to cloud her opinions. He really was a fine doctor, just like his mother, but that was just another reminder of all that was no longer hers.

Taking another deep breath, she bypassed the lifts and went to the stairwell, knowing the long walk down would do her some good. "Ah, Serena, headed home at last?"

She glanced up to see Henrik a floor above her, gazing out across the carpark with his hands clasped behind his back. There was something melancholy about the pose, as if he was searching the night for something he had lost, and she wondered how long Roxanna was going to be in America on secondment, since he had never answered her when she had last asked. Knowing that she couldn't go home without talking to him, Serena climbed up to meet him on the landing, standing close as she followed his line of sight outwards. "There's nothing else keeping me here, and Zav was anxious to take over the office. How are things with you?"

"Stressful. I was hoping that Roxanna would be home sooner, to help me deal with the transition from general surgeon to CEO once more. Essie…"

"Tries too hard to make herself useful? I've noticed. But she does mean well. Is Rox planning on coming home soon?" she asked as she reached out and touched his arm lightly. Henrik looked down at her, and she smiled a little at the anticipation that lurked in the back of his eyes, knowing that she would be getting a good answer in moments to come.

"She'll be home by the first of February. So only two more weeks apart. There's only so much Skype one can do with your partner, before you start to miss how they feel in your arms." Serena could tell that he was being completely innocent with his words, and she thought it was so endearingly sweet, but it made her miss Bernie all the more. It was hard enough pretending like she didn't miss Bernie every time someone mentioned her former lover.

"And then you can snuggle up on the sofa together, listening to some Wagner opera, right?"

That was when his cheeks turned red, and he coughed a little before dipping his chin into his chest. "More likely it will be Mozart. Roxanna is partial to _The Magic Flute_." It took every ounce of Serena's self control to keep from making a saucy remark about Henrik's magic flute, but she could tell by the stern look he shot her that he knew where her mind was heading. "She love the Queen of the Night aria."

"Of course, that's exactly what I was going to say," she replied hastily, giving him a small wink. "Seriously, though, when you pick her up from the airport, give her an extra cuddle for me. Since I don't think I'll be snuggling with anyone anytime soon." His hand closed around her shoulder, and she drew in a deep breath as she smiled sadly.

"We'll take you out to supper when Roxanna is back. She's good at making people smile, even when their hearts are crumbling to dust." Serena had to blink back tears once more, and she gave a jerky nod before knocking her shoulder against his chest. "Have a good evening."

"You as well, Henrik," she murmured lowly as she stepped away from him and began her journey down the stairs and out to her car. As she unlocked the door, she turned to look up at the stairwell, seeing Henrik still keeping his lonely vigil there. Raising her hand, she waved to him as she got into her car and then pulled out into the night. There wasn't anything good on the radio, so she turned it off and hummed under her breath as she drove along, ultimately finding herself drawn to Bernie's favorite song, and ending up a mess of tears for a third rime as she pulled into her garage.

Trudging over to her door, she unlocked it and let herself into the kitchen, allowing her bag to fall to the floor as she stepped out of her shoes and threw her coat over the peg before opening the fridge and pulling out the milk, pouring herself a glass before she slumped down in her chair at the table, drinking it slowly as she tried not to think of Bernie. There had been too many reminders of her throughout the day, and her mask had almost fallen, revealing just how mangled her heart was to the world at large.

"Milk? I would have thought you'd be drinking Shiraz at this time of night."

Serena sat up straight, and glanced over towards the sound of the voice, finding a shadowy figure standing in the doorway to the hall. Squinting a little, she found her heart filling in the blanks, screaming to her that it was Bernie, that her lover had returned home. Her brain was a little more pragmatic, trying to get her to realise that the intruder was most likely not a benign presence, and that she should be reacting with a little more care to her life. Tamping down that voice, she squinted a little more, taking in the hair that haloed the woman's head, the lithe body, the familiar cock of her hip against the doorjamb, and knew that her heart wasn't wrong.

"I, I didn't really have the taste for it this evening," she quietly replied, dragging her knuckle beneath her eyes to clear them of tears, though she knew that she'd be breaking down at any moment. "Cameron keeps mentioning you."

"I wish he wouldn't," Bernie replied as she came over to the table and took a seat across from Serena. "Because if I know you half as well as I think I do, you're hearing his words and they're turning into tiny daggers that punch and twist into the muscle of your heart, wounding you deeply."

"You sound like you speak from experience," she said with a self-deprecating chuckle.

"Because I am. He mentions you almost every call, tells me that while everyone seems to think you're fine, you shine like brittle glass, and that your loneliness and longing radiate off you in waves he's surprised no one else has picked up on. My son should have gone into psychology, for the way he has us pegged, let me tell you."

She nodded a little before pursing her lips together. "I keep wanting to write to you, to tell you how my day goes, like a normal friend would. But my fingers just hover over the keyboard, as my mind thinks of all the stupid little things I truly want to tell you, like a lover would. But you're not my lover any more, we're the wrong sort of animal, and my heart still breaks every time I tell myself that."

That was when the first damnable tears started falling down her face, and she hunched over to try and hide herself away from Bernie, knowing that she was under no obligation to comfort her any longer. Still, she couldn't help but close her eyes tightly as she listened to the sound of Bernie's chair scraping against the floor of the kitchen, a tiny flicker of hope starting to light in her chest. And then, Bernie's arms were wrapping around her shoulders, pulling her close as she murmured in her ear that everything would be all right.

Before she could stop herself, Serena was snuggling in to Bernie's chest, letting her hand curl around the woman's shoulder to hold onto her as she sobbed. She wasn't really certain how long they sat like that, but at some point, Bernie helped her to her feet, guiding her into the living room and down on the sofa, allowing her to curl up close once more, still crying, even as she snuggled closer and closer into her former lover, trying to lose herself in memories and love. It was hard to even focus on what Bernie was saying to her, since she was so overwhelmed by waves of desperate longing at being close to Bernie once more. "Are you trying to forget yourself, too?" she finally managed to understand, and she nodded. Her former partner sighed a little as she gently pushed Serena's head down into her lap, running her fingers through her hair.

"I thought that it would be easier, since we had let each other go so amicably. But all I could dwell on was how much I missed you, how much you had grown to be a part of my life, and now that you were gone, it was like there was a gaping wound in my heart that refused to heal. I just miss you. Even though you're not mine any longer."

Bernie looked down into her eyes, and Serena saw that she was also in tears, and she let out a disconsolate breath as she closed her eyes, not wanting to see the after effects of her selfish behavior. "Yet I still want to be yours. You're hurting yourself, Serena, and I don't think I can just sit back and watch that happen. I told you, if anyone ever hurt you, I'd be back in a heartbeat. Can you let me in?"

"Yes," she breathed out, opening her eyes to see that beloved, tender, smile on Bernie's lips. "If you still want me. I can understand if you don't. I wasn't the kindest, or most faithful, or anything that makes a good partner. I just loved you the best way I knew how, even through the worst tragedy of my life. You stuck by me at my lowest point, made certain I stayed when I wasn't certain that I wanted that, and I threw that loyalty in your face."

"I wanted to give you the space to find yourself once more. But it is damn hard to hold together a family when you're split between two places. I am so very tired of running, Serena. I want to put down roots, but only if you're willing to put them down with me. I want to push a baby swing in the garden before making a delicious meal shared by our family. I want to be domestic in my own way, because I was never allowed to have that on my own terms. But if we're going to get together once more, I also want one small change."

"What's that?" she asked as she opened her eyes, looking up into Bernie's face.

"I want us to go to therapy. Not just short term, learn a few coping mechanisms and we're good, therapy. We need to open up to someone other than ourselves and rebuild our foundations. We're broken people, in a broken world, and we need to navigate that a little better than we have been."

Though Bernie's words were soft and gentle, they still hurt, as if she had slapped Serena across the face with a truth she didn't truly want to hear. And yet, and yet, she knew Bernie was right. They both had to make a change, as their current modus operandi was failing them so miserably. "I suppose that I can make that compromise for you. I mean, I know that we need to learn better communication skills, and I need to learn that I deserve to focus on myself and what I need. I've been giving myself away in pieces for too long, that I'm not certain how much of me remains."

"The best parts of you are still there, even if they seem to be so small that you can't find them any longer. The you I fell in love with is still there, in deep hibernation." Serena felt her lips twitch up in a small smile. "Are you hungry?"

"No. I was just going to trudge up to bed and try to sleep. Thank god I have tomorrow off. There's just this weariness in my chest that doesn't seem to want to go away. Are, are you staying?"

"That was sort of the point of me using my key. Come along, let's get you in bed."

Serena nodded wearily, staggering to her feet and watching as Bernie got up, wrapping her arm around Serena's waist and guiding her over to the staircase. "Valentine's Day is next month," she suddenly said, not certain what she was thinking by doing so.

"It is. Do you think we should do anything to help Henrik celebrate?"

"I think he has that well in hand. If I was a betting woman, I'd say that someone was getting a ring on that day." Bernie chuckled a little as they turned into the master bedroom. "Roxanna deserves every happiness after what she's been through. To lose her husband and her best friend in the space of a year, all while trying to recover from being struck by a car driven by one of my F1s? She has almost had as much misery as myself, and I would never wish that on anyone."

"Because you understand that depth of sorrow." Bernie stopped them by the bed, pressing her lips to Serena's temple before gently pushing her down on the mattress. "Give me thirty seconds." Serena nodded and watched as Bernie moved over to her wardrobe, pulling out a set of thin pyjamas before coming back to her side and quickly undressing and redressing her before pulling back the covers and helping Serena get comfortable in bed. "Sleep well, darling."

"Will you spend the night with me? No sex, I just…I want to forget myself for an evening, in your arms. Because I've missed that so much. Please?" Bernie smiled sadly as she dipped her head a little, giving Serena the answer she wanted. "Thank you, darling."

"You're welcome. I'll be right back." Leaning down, she brushed her lips against Serena's before standing and heading out of the room. As Serena watched her leave, she felt her thoughts turn inwards once more, wondering how long she could keep Bernie in her life this time, and if their love would survive the next time she screwed up. Tears flooded her eyes as she turned away from the door, unable to keep vigil for when Bernie returned. Burying her face into her pillow, she allowed herself to sob, releasing the dam on her feelings.

It wasn't until the bed dipped beneath Bernie's body that she knew she wasn't alone any longer, and Serena allowed her to pull her closer to her body, cocooning her in a warmth that she had been missing for so long. "I love you," she murmured before snuggling in close to Bernie, hiding her face in her chest as Bernie stroked her back lightly.

"I love you, too. Now, hush, luv, and try to sleep. I'll be here when you wake up, I promise." Serena tried to nod as Bernie kissed the top of her head, causing more tears to pour from her heart. "Shh, crying this hard will make you ill. You need to sleep." Bernie's hand swept up and down her back, soothing her into the welcoming arms of sleep, the tiny flicker of hope gaining a little strength in her chest as she allowed herself to fully relax, snuggled close to Bernie's heart.


End file.
